A Clear Mind.

Cripes. I've done it again. Someone really needs to spank me when I go missing around here,huh?

This is a view of my lower back, my upper looks about the same.

This time though, was not something that could really be helped. Wasn't lack of wanting to write, or even writers block, but a decision I made that lead to a kind of rough month or so. A lot of you know that I deal with chronic pain and have had 5 major spinal surgeries. This is something I started dealing with at 16 years old. Off and on throughout the years with surgeries, nerve damage issues  and things like that, the Dr's have put me on a lot of different meds. Awhile back, I started seeing a new pain management Doctor. I had hopes that he would help me find ways to deal with the pain without drugging me up. Instead though, I got told that my case is one that will only continue to get worse as I get older. He actually upped my pain meds to Morphine Extended Release, and I was doing ok with it. I was getting more done... I was on a better schedule... I was getting things done that normally hurt me. But, after more talking with this Doctor after a few months of my high medicine tolerance we approached the fact that it was already starting not to help as much. We also discussed the long term effects that meds like this have on the brain. He has many patients that are in the early 50's age range, that developed dementia, alzheimer's or similar things due to long term narcotic usage. That thought scared the heck out of me. I don't want to be 50, and not know who the heck my family and friends are.

I went home in tears, feeling hopeless and frustrated. The medicine helps, for the most part - but at what cost? I sat and talked with Sir about this, and I told Him that I wanted to try to come back off of the meds while I still can. That I do know that it's a very likely fact that at some point in my life, I will not have a choice, and I will have to take them. That, if I can go as long as I can, and try to find alternate pain relief, and have that maybe save my brain some - that I should try.

Unfortunately, this new Dr., while he was very pleased when I went back to see him, and told me he wished more patients thought like I do - he also didn't have a real good plan for me to come off of the meds. He just refilled it for one month, told me to take 1 less every day, then just stop after a few days. Well, I've been through this before and I already knew how hard it is on the body to come off of meds like this. The withdrawals are a killer. I did it my own way, I did lower it to one for a few weeks, and then I stopped.. not having much more of a cut down option to work with, it was the best I could do.

I am on day 11 of no meds here. I did it! My pain levels are up, but I am trying to adjust.  I am happy that despite my pain, my brain is clear. It's been a very rough ride.

I am not sure where I will go from here on pain management. But I am determined to find a way, to stay off of the heavy meds.

To all my fellow bloggers and friends here - I have recieved a lot of emails, some comments and messages from you guys - you guys never fail to amaze me on how great you guys are. I am ok, and I am trying to get back into the swing of things here. I also haven't forgotten about the community blog, I love the input and excitement  you guys shared over the idea. I just still need to think of a name for it! :)

If I have missed anything important, fun, or .. realllly kinky ;) please feel free to point me in that direction to catch up on it. I will be trying to catch up with everyone here.

Ok - someone catch me up!

xx
brat