When I was younger, before I got married - someone very dear to me locked us in a bathroom. He was on the edge of his life. Depressed, angry, scared. He was a lot of things to me - a friend, a boyfriend.. someone I looked up to... someone who I'd say was one of the first guys I truly had deep feelings for. To this day, I don't know all his reasons. But in that moment, I remember trying to think of everything I could do or say to make him come out of the hell he had sunken into. A gun in his hands .. the door locked. Begging me to end it all with him. We could go onto an afterlife that didn't hurt. We could escape all the pain we have each gone through up to this point in our lives.
His eyes - were empty. I had never been so scared. I remember my chest getting so tight, and trying so hard to convince him that this wasn't the way. And that yes - life had been hard, but we were young, and it was only beginning. We weren't out on our own yet - we had a whole world to explore still.
I've never been one who easily cries - but the tears fell with his. I couldn't find the right words. I couldn't reach him. Before I knew it was over, all I could see was the colors.. my ears were ringing.. and I remember the smells.
Then it was, truly over.
While I know now as an adult, that this is a situation that I could not have likely changed, I still hold guilt. I still question what if I said this - or tried to do this or that? Could I have found a way to change the outcome, make him see that it wasn't worth dying? I don't think I have ever truly forgiven myself for not at least smacking him out of the way of the door - and running for a phone to get help. Or... something. Anything different that maybe could have made him not end his life in such a tragic way.
Logically - I do know it's not my fault. But sometimes our inner demons and skeletons don't see it that way. Sometimes you don't know how to let go enough to forgive yourself. No matter how hard you may have tried.
"PEOPLE CAN BE MORE FORGIVING THAN YOU CAN IMAGINE. BUT “YOU” HAVE TO FORGIVE YOURSELF. LET GO OF WHAT’S BITTER AND MOVE ON." —BILL COSBY