Saturday, September 6, 2014

30 Days of Truth. Day 3. Forgiving yourself.

Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.

 When I was younger, before I got married - someone very dear to me locked us in a bathroom. He was on the edge of his life. Depressed, angry, scared. He was a lot of things to me - a friend, a boyfriend.. someone I looked up to... someone who I'd say was one of the first guys I truly had deep feelings for. To this day, I don't know all his reasons. But in that moment, I remember trying to think of everything I could do or say to make him come out of the hell he had sunken into. A gun in his hands .. the door locked. Begging me to end it all with him. We could go onto an afterlife that didn't hurt. We could escape all the pain we have each gone through up to this point in our lives. 

His eyes - were empty. I had never been so scared. I remember my chest getting so tight, and trying so hard to convince him that this wasn't the way. And that yes - life had been hard, but we were young, and it was only beginning. We weren't out on our own yet - we had a whole world to explore still. 

I've never been one who easily cries - but the tears fell with his. I couldn't find the right words. I couldn't reach him. Before I knew it was over, all I could see was the colors.. my ears were ringing.. and I remember the smells.

Then it was, truly over. 

While I know now as an adult, that this is a situation that I could not have likely changed, I still hold guilt. I still question what if I said this - or tried to do this or that? Could I have found a way to change the outcome, make him see that it wasn't worth dying? I don't think I have ever truly forgiven myself for not at least smacking him out of the way of the door - and running for a phone to get help. Or... something. Anything different that maybe could have made him not end his life in such a tragic way. 

Logically - I do know it's not my fault. But sometimes our inner demons and skeletons don't see it that way. Sometimes you don't know how to let go enough to forgive yourself. No matter how hard you may have tried.

"PEOPLE CAN BE MORE FORGIVING THAN YOU CAN IMAGINE. BUT “YOU” HAVE TO FORGIVE YOURSELF. LET GO OF WHAT’S BITTER AND MOVE ON." —BILL COSBY

20 comments:

  1. Oh Brat! My heart stopped as I started reading this. Your story is so haunting similar to something that happened in my younger years. I haven't had the strength to share it in my blog. Like you, I know it wasn't my fault but being that I had broken up with him a week prior, I carried so much guilt.

    I'm so sorry for your loss and pain. I'm sure logically you understand that there is nothing you could have done or said. Unfortunately, once they are at that point, there's no turning back.

    (Hugs)

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    1. little girl - You and I have so much in common, that shows more and more as we comment and read back and forth. *smile* Thank you, for being able to share that here with me, even though you haven't been able to share it on your blog. It took strength to share it here with me. That guilt is hard to let go. :/

      I am sorry for your loss and pain as well, doll. And thank you, truly. It was hard to post this, I had that huge moment of hesitation before hitting publish - but I promised myself that while doing this 30 days of truth, I would hold nothing back.

      So very true.. on the last part you said there.

      Thank you again, your comment made me glad I didn't hold back on this.

      *hugs* <3 xx

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    2. I'm glad you didn't hold back on it either because in all these years, I have never run into anyone with THAT similar experience. I've learned really not even to bring it up. People would just look at me like "deer in headlights". And I get it...what do you say to something like that? It really is amazing how much we have in common:) Hugs back and thank you for sharing!

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    3. little girl - I so know the look/feeling - that you are saying here. And yeah, what do you say? Like with any loss, it's always hard to know what to say on the other side. Especially if you've dealt with loss yourself, those who have know not much said really helps anyway.

      It is amazing how much we have in common indeed - and I truly love it. :) xx <3

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  2. So powerful. My good friend committed suicide when I was a young teen, I was the last person to see him. I have never forgiven myself for not knowing how much he was hurting, or not staying with him that night like he begged me to do.
    I don't know exactly what you went through, but I know that guilt well.
    (((Hugs)))

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    1. Oh hon, I am so sorry you have to deal with similar feelings of guilt and loss. Thank you, for being able to share that with me. It really does help knowing there are friends who understand the feelings related to something like this. Helps one know they are not alone in some things. :)

      Big hugs - I hope your flare up is easing and you are doing ok. xx

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  3. My goodness, I am so sorry Amber. I truly hope that your being able to talk about it here will help you with that. You are something special to a lot of people. Stay strong and allow those people to feel your joy and your love.

    *hug!

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    1. jay, Thank you.. truly. Sharing it here was a hard thing to do- I hesitated a lot before posting it. But, I am really glad I did. I told myself I wouldn't hold back doing these truth questions, and I think a lot good will come from that. :)

      You are so sweet - thank you. xx Hugs!

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  4. What a terrible experience, Brat. But you did overcome it.

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    1. appy - that I did..what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger. Probably a bad quote to pick in this case, but still true. :) xx

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  5. It isn't fair that you had to go through that. I guess life isn't always fair...

    I do feel that when we experience unfairness such as this, we learn to appreciate life in a different way...and for that we can be thankful.

    I can imagine just how much you've beat yourself up about this, no doubt I would too, but you have nothing to forgive yourself for. He made the choice, you just happened to be there. Sometimes life has a cruel way of if making things turn out how they're supposed to...

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    1. Misty, I so agree - you do end up looking at life, and appreciating it in a different way, and I am indeed thankful for that. I remember it in everything that I do within life. Life can be so short.

      Thank you for this wise comment, hon. Truly. Hugs xx

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  6. Hugs.

    I can not think of anything else to do. I just want to give you a hug.

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    1. Pet - aw, thank you. I like hugs! :) <3 xx

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  7. Amber, I'm sorry, it looks like I have missed a bit here!

    Oh goodness, what a terrible and traumatic experience! I am so sorry you went through that. I simply cannot begin to imagine. You definitely have nothing to forgive yourself for. He alone made the choice.

    ((Hugs))
    Roz

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    1. Hi there Roz, no need to apologize at all. :)

      Thank you, for the kind and very true comment. I have to really remind myself of exactly that, it was his choice - and I didn't go with him as he wanted.

      Big hugs xx Thank you, Roz. :)

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  8. Replies
    1. Imp - it was indeed. Probably one of the scariest things I've ever gone through.

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  9. Oh my that was a horribly scary situation. Thank goodness you survived it.

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    1. Mistress Marie - Thank goodness indeed. Very thankful that I did. :)

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Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts/comments! I will always do my best to respond! xx